You Don’t See Me
I’m a sought after demographic ( I think). I’m female, white, 18-35, college educated and living in a middle class tax bracket. Yet, I am never accurately represented in Media today. I think I know why…
My house is not large and spacious. I have 5 people in 1200sq feet. My house does NOT reflect the latest Pottery Barn catalog or the retro-bauhaus style. I have piles, in every room of my house. Piles of books, toys, fabric, clean laundry, notifications from school & dental reminder cards. My bathroom sink has minty blue toothpaste spread across the counter. As I write this my dining room (which also doubles as an office) floor has bits of spaghetti on it. I’m waiting until it drys so I can sweep it up tonight, which is easier than picking the sticky pieces up by hand.
Most of my days start with vim & vigor (at least after I’ve had an hour or so to reacquaint myself with the sun), but by 10am I’ve run out of steam, and not the “I-could-sleep-anywhere” kind of exhausted (although there are those days too). But the I’m so tired of breaking up petty fights about who looked at whom funny & protecting the baby from her overly “loving” older siblings.
That’s right, I don’ t have a nanny or a housekeeper (oh to dream!); I stay at home with my kids while my husband works a 12 hour work day. You might look at this and think, “oh what a luxury!” I see it more as a sacrifice. We live a very meager life style to make this work. I sacrifice a career, regular manicures, dinners out, a larger home, intellectual conversation, the ability to use the bathroom uninterrupted, vacations to Disney-world and that ipad I so very much want.
My kids don’t smile all the time, their clothes don’t always match (mostly because they are exerting their independence). Their struggles cannot be solved in 30min. They fight. Despite what we teach them, they do not always (or even frequently) use their manners. They challenge me every single day, I am constantly thinking of their futures and second guessing every choice I make regarding them.
I don’t own the latest technological gadget (we bought our first ipod this last Christmas!). Every “extra” (and I use that term loosely) bit of money we can scrape together is spent at Sonic, for Happy Hour (which should be called, Mom’s Sanity Hour) or on new shoes for the kids-that they seem to outgrow within an hour of purchasing. We don’t take vacations, unless you consider the 6 hour drive (that always takes 7, but feels like 9) to Grandma & Grandpa’s house where we work twice as hard to keep the kids in line as we would if we’d stayed home.
It is true though, that despite 3 pregnancies and almost 14 years I have only gained 5 lbs since my wedding. But I tell you, its only a number on a scale, because NOTHING looks like it did 14 years ago. Age, pregnancy and nursing are great for restructuring your body. I recently learned first hand what the phrase “muffin top” meant. Sigh.
While my life does not match any modern media representation of motherhood I wouldn’t give this up for all the gold in California. I chose this life, on purpose. My husband truly is my best friend and my children are 3 of the best decisions I have ever made. I made conscious choices along the road of life to lead me here. This is where I want to be. Sometimes though it feels like an isolated place to be. I know I can’t be alone, surely their must be others caught between Stepford & Springfield?
July 10th, 2011 at 10:26 pm
Love this post, Heather. It may very well be my favorite post of yours, ever.
July 10th, 2011 at 10:55 pm
Me! Me! Me! I’m between Stepford and Springville. Most days are challenging and almost lonely, except I am rarely alone. But it is a life I have choosen and I try to find the “joy in the journey” especially when the 3yo has been challenging and claiming to be “the boss.” I understand. And I hear it gets better in some things and harder in others, I try to only hear “it gets better.”
July 11th, 2011 at 5:32 am
Love this post. I enjoy my life, I am happy, but part of that is a conscious decision. Raising kids, maintaining a home, scraping by – it is hard. It is monotonous. It can be very lonely, which is strange when you are rarely alone (like Karin wrote!) But like you, I wouldn’t trade these memories or days for anything. I love what you wrote.
July 11th, 2011 at 6:57 am
You are not alone. There are many of us in this situation, and choosing to stay and enjoy it as we can. Thank you for voicing it so well.
July 11th, 2011 at 7:12 am
I am right there with you Heather! Although, I have gained more than 5 lbs.
July 11th, 2011 at 7:41 am
I understand. Completely.
July 11th, 2011 at 12:01 pm
You said it just right. Thank you for finally representing the demographic I live in.
I am standing right next to you in the demographic “picture” the media has painted and we are laughing together.
July 11th, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Bravo! Been where you are and haven’t regretted it…ever!
July 11th, 2011 at 12:52 pm
This is by far the best thing you have posted. You should send it in to Parenting or the Ensign or somewhere. Its wonderful!
July 11th, 2011 at 6:49 pm
I love it when people are completely honest on their blogs. Good post.
July 11th, 2011 at 7:18 pm
p.s. I agree with Raygon … you oughta submit this!
July 11th, 2011 at 8:39 pm
I’m there with you Heather, well said. I appreciate your candor and the strength behind your words. Check out Power of Mom’s blog. This should be on there. One of the founders was a friend of mine in CA- her parents started joy school. http://powerofmoms.com/
They accept submissions from writers at large.
July 12th, 2011 at 7:56 pm
I haven’t checked your blog in a while, Heather. So glad I did! This was beautifully written. It’s encouraging to hear about your piles and stuck on spaghetti and toothpaste smears. I’ve been to Sonic way too many times in the last month, myself. You are not alone!
July 13th, 2011 at 12:26 pm
What a lovely and honest post. It is so true. I think that a higher percentage of women (mom’s and NON-mom’s –like me) are right there with you, in all aspects. From messy homes, to being tired, to not running out and buying every single gadget that comes along.
That is life. That is our life. And I personaly, would not change it for anything. Not even a million Ipads. I like being Julia.
July 17th, 2011 at 9:24 am
Heather! the honesty and candor of your writing was so perfect… I’m sure every stay-at-home mom can relate. I for one “get” completely the sacrifices one makes to stay home ~ there’s no glamour and no paycheck. I used to buy my clothes at Nordstrom (now Target), used to travel the world (now I travel to the post office and supermarket), and I did also have weekly manicures (now I do my own, when I can be bothered). Mostly I’m very happy because my husband is so awesome, but there are always the low moments when it gets so frustrating. Sometimes I get so jealous of his career and ability to talk to grown-ups all day, while I deal with the most inane conversation with 3 and 5 year olds. I could go on and on, you know. I can relate with you perfectly. That’s why I love meeting up with you. And I hope we get to do it again soon. xo Amy
July 18th, 2011 at 2:43 pm
hear, hear!
August 3rd, 2011 at 10:30 pm
Oh, how I love this post! Beautiful writing, and I can really identify with everything you’ve said – so no, you are definitely not alone.